Am I already dead, or a broken heart just doesn't beat?

I get on a cross-country threadmill machine at my gym. I select the cardio mode which means that I need to keep my hands on the handles with sensors so it records the heart rate. I start, all intent to get to the target rate. After a few minutes the machine violently beeps and announces:

"NO HEART RATE -- SWITCHING TO MANUAL PROGRAM!"

So I assume that the sensors on the machine don't work. I try another one. This time I hold the sensors as tight as I can and hardly move my hands. A few minutes later the same thing! Hmm...now I am getting worried. I stop and place my hand over my heart. I can vaguely feel weak and sparse heart beats. Hey, maybe I am already dead and I don't even know it! Is this a dream I am living in? Is this just my tired soul wondering around? Or perhaps a broken heart just doesn't beat like a normal one.

From "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini

I was reading "The Kite Runner"...towards the end I came across this passage that is not even written as a poem, but what a beautiful heart-felt poem! It described exactly how I felt. I've rearranged it as a poem:

I want to tear myself from this place,
from this reality,
rise up like a cloud and float away,
melt into this humid summer night and dissolve somewhere far,
over the hills.
But I am here,
my legs blocks of concrete,
my lungs empty of air,
my throat burning.
There will be no floating away.
There will be no other reality tonight.

Tango
I saw a documentary about Argentine tango ("Susana Tango Pial") about a famous old milonga in Buenos Aires where a group of primarily senior citizens gather every week to tango, as they have for years. An old man who had returned to dancing tango after years said:

"Tango enters you through your eyes and goes through your heart. But once it reaches your feet, it stays with you for ever."

I immediately took out a pen and paper and scribbled the statement in the dark of the theater. But there was no need for it. That statement had entered me through the eyes (subtitle!) and gone to my heart already. And it will stay with me for ever.

But I would add that tango also enters one through the ears. Tango music is a significant part of the tango experience. Even if you can't tango, you can still appreciate the beauty and soulfulness of its music.

Poetry: Hafez
One of my favorite verses from the first ghazal of Hafez -- "Ke eshgh aasaan nomood aval vali oftaad moshkel-haa":

Shab e taareek o beem e moj o gerdaabi chenin haael Kojaa
daanand haal e maa sabok-baar-aan'e saahel-haa

And here is a lesser known 2-beiti from him sort of in the style of Omar Khayyam:

Gar hamcho man oftaadeye in daam shavi
Ey bas ke kharaab baade o jaam shavi

Maa aashegh o mast o rend o aalam soozim
Baa maa maneshin agar na badnaam shavi

Song: Paloma Negra (Black Dove)
Singer: Chavela Vargas
Music by Tomas Mendez
From Frida sound track

What a song -- dramatic voice, song from the soul, powerful and sad. Here are the translated lyrics from the CD cover. This song makes me want to learn Spanish!

I'm tired of weeping and yet there's no sign of the sun
I no longer know whether to curse you or pray for you
I'm afraid to look for you and afraid to find you
Where my friends all tell me that you've gone

At times I feel like relinquishing the fight
And ripping out the nails that cause my pain
But my eyes are dying without looking into yours
And my affection returns to wait for you at dawn

And you decided on your own to find a party
Black dove, black dove, where are you?
Stop playing with my honor, party girl
Your caresses must be mine, and no one else's

And though I love you madly, don't come back to me
Black dove, you are the bars on this cage of suffering
I want to be free and live my life with whom I choose
Lord, give me strength for I'm dying to go find her

And you decided on your own to find a party

Leonard Cohen

The Canadian singer, song writer, poet, Leonard Cohen, is one of my favorite singers of all times. His songs like "Everybody knows", "Dance me to the end of love", "There ain't no cure for love", "A thousand kisses deep", and "I am your man" are eternal. His deep, melancholic voice and his dark, loaded lyrics are unique. Many famous singers and musicians (Sting, Elton John, Peter Gabriel, Madeleine Peyroux, etc.) have song to his lyrics, but in my opinion none come close to his own voice and performances. He is a prolific artist and poem with numerous recordings and CDs, back from 1960s all the way to present. His latest CD as of this writing is "Dear Heather". His poems seem considerably shorter than earlier ones but the songs are still beautiful.

This Sept. he became 71 years old. Leonard, happy birthday. You are my man!

You can learn more about him at www.leonardcohen.com and www.leonardcohenfiles.com. Below are excerpts from one of his moving poems "Everybody knows" from the album "I'm your man."

Everybody Knows

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor and the rich get rich
That's how it goes. Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows tha captian lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
and a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows
That's how it goes

Everybody knows that you love me, baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful,
give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people
you just has to meet without your clothes
And everybody knows

...

Song: Rouz e Aval (First Day)
Singer: Dariush
CD: "Raah e Man" (My Way)

The song "rouz e aval" in Dariush's latest CD is my favorite, with lyrics that I can relate to. The CD cover has the lyrics but it is incomplete and has a couple of typos. Here it is in full as song:

gofti az eshgham hazar kon, che bad kardam nakardam
yaadam o az sar bedar kon, che bad kardam nakardam

rooz e aval gofte boodi vali az to nashenidam
tooye aaeene'ye dirooz kaashki fardaa ro mididam

baa to eshgh aamad o gom shod, har che bood zir o zebar shod
lahze-haa khaali o khaste, zendegi bihoodeh-tar shod

gofti az eshgham hazar kon, che bad kardam nakardam
fekr e aazaar o khatar kon, che bad kardam nakardam

eshgh e avalin to boodi, baa to man eshgh o shenaakhtam
ey to eshgh e aakharinam, rafti o dard o shenaakhtam

baa to man eshgh o shenaakhtam, baa to man zendegi saakhtam
az kesi gelaaye-i nist, age baakhtam be to baakhtam

gofti az eshgham hazar kon, che bad kardam nakardam
yaadam o az sar bedar kon, che bad kardam nakardam

har kesi pas az to aamad khalvat e man o be ham zad
to ro baaz be yaadam aavard age az aatefeh dam zad

har kesi pas az to aamad khalvat e man o be ham zad
sarnevesht e man naboode, sarneveshti ke ragham zad

rooz e aval gofte boodi vali az to nashenidam
tooye aaeene'ye dirooz kaashki fardaa ro mididam

baa to eshgh aamad o gom shod, har che bood zir o zebar shod
lahze-haa khaali o khaste, zendegi bihoodeh-tar shod

gofti az eshgham hazar kon, che bad kardam nakardam
fekr e aazaar o khatar kon, che bad kardam nakardam

gofti az eshgham hazar kon, che bad kardam nakardam
eshgham o az sar bedar kon, che bad kardam nakardam

Travel -- Turkey and Germany

In late August I visited Turkey (Kusadasi area in Western Turkey) a pleasant and beautiful region by the Mediterranean Sea. I was very close to Ephesus, an acient city ruins site. I also paid a brief visit to Izmir (the 3rd largest city in Turkey following Istanbul and Ankara). It was also a sort of a reunion with family from Iran and USA, which made it special. This was the first time back in Turkey since my stay there back in 1983-84. You can see my photos from Turkey here.

On the way back I spent 3-4 days in Munich (Germany), the capital of Bavaria, and home of BMW and Siemens. Munich is a remarkable city -- ancient, modern, high-tech, meticulous, clean all at once. It is also the host of Oktober Fest, when about 6 million visitors crowd the city of 1.4 million in a period of 2 weeks in mid Sept! It has beautiful architecture and wonderful museums including the one with the largest collection of works by Wassily Kandinsky (Russian painter, 1866-1944), one of my favorite artists. The city was apparently about 60% destroyed in WWII, but it is all rebuilt, brick by brick. On some of the buidlings you can actually recognize the rebuilt segments. You can see my photos from Munich here.

One night back in June she SMSed me with:

"I don't express much about what your friendship means to me...But you have to know that you have woken in me that faith in love and your affection has given my soul wings that were crushed a while ago. Thanks for being in my life and I hope I can give something worthy in return."

Oh dear non-existing god, what have I done to deserve this? This is from the woman whom I have been madly in love with for months now. Despite our on-and-off involvement, she has denied me love saying that she is not ready for a relationship. So what does this mean? It sounds like now she is ready for "love" -- just not for mine!